Attending a meeting without any preparation, forgetting an employee’s birthday, losing your temper, forgetting to include a key person in a communication, skipping lunch, hiring the wrong person —- life as a leader is full of triggers for your inner critic.

And that inner critic can be a handful.

It just won’t let go. It just keeps on coming back to the same issue. Even hours later the inner critic takes care that the issue will pop up in your mind.

The consistency of the inner critic is in the following story personified by one of the monks – the younger one:

Two monks – a younger and an older one – were on a trip together. At a certain point, they needed to cross a river with a strong current. While they were preparing to cross, a young woman approached them and asked them kindly if they could help her cross the river. Both monks were facing a dilemma: they had vowed not to touch a woman.

But then without one word the older monk picked up the woman and carried her across.

The younger monk was in disbelief. He was speechless: his travel companion had just touched a woman and by doing so not honored his vows.

The two monks continued their journey. The young monk was speechless. He was baffled by what just had happened. His travel companion had touched a woman.

The travel companions continued their journey. Hours passed. Nobody spoke.

Then the young monk blurted out, “How could you have touched that woman? That’s not in line with our vows!”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “I set her down on the other side of the river hours ago, why are you still carrying her?”

This story illustrates how our inner critic – just like the younger monk – holds on and thinks in terms of “should have”.

In self-critical thinking there are a lot of “Should have’s”:

I should have listened more

I should have led those meetings better

I should have talked with that employee

I should ….

As a leader we need to do a lot every day. And some of these things fit in the category of “should.”. Like showing up as a leader day in day out. Giving feedback as soon as possible.

But a lot of your “should haves” are a red flag. It’s your inner critic speaking up.

In the UleadU-program participants work on different ways on handling their inner critic. Not to get rid of it. Impossible to do that. But handling the inner critic in a way that they are supported by it instead instead of undermined.

So, what can you do about that inner critic?

I. Become Aware Of Your Leadership Expectations 

Charles Dickens’ masterpiece, Great Expectations, is a great read. What Great Expectations do you have of yourself as a leader. Are they realistic? Or do you have some kind of ideal leadership role model in your head that prevents you from being the best leader you can be right now?

II. Notice Your Should Have’s

It’s unavoidable that Should Have’s will pop up. But what do you do with those? Can you obtain a lesson from it? Or is it something that has happened and now it’s like water under the bridge to stay with the image of water.

III. Personify

Ask yourself: if someone sitting next to me, made that comment, how would I react? Walk away? Thank that person? Ask for more respectful and constructive feedback?

IV. Don’t Take Your Inner Critic Too Seriously.

The inner critic likes to blow things out of proportion. And it seems especially to do so around 3:00 or 4:00 am. It’s seldom such a big deal as our inner critic tells us.